***WARNING***

I just might have a mental break down at any point!!!!!
I feel it coming!
I am going to explode!!
I have WAYYYYY too many decisions to make and life changes that it is becoming overwhelming!!!
so here i am... going to vent... on Christmas Eve!!!

Problem #1: the one and only person that can truely comfort me is a few states away and won't be back for quite some time!! Yet, at the same time i have NO IDEA if he is "the one." I love the kid, he is my best friend, but i am questioning it? is it bad, or am i just craving a cuddle? He is truely the only person i tell everything right away (my sister, it takes some build up before i blurt things out) He is my Best friend! I love him i do.. is it enought tho? writing this makes me want him more!! i want to scream! who ever said it gets easier is lying to me!!! (becca) it is getting harder!!

Problem #2: Satan is after me!!! I am pretty sure he is trying EVERYTHING to get me to be unhappy! (sometimes succeeding) Back in high school i found that i had little to none temptations. I guess this is when i need to turn to Christ. I have never had to. This is a trial i have never really experienced before. SATAN STOP PICKING ON ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! (stick my finger at him... i will swith the finger to the tongue)

Problem #3: it is crazy to have people surround you and still fill alone!! (dang you jeron for leaving) I always put a front up that i am so strong, and happy. Now, i see myself buckling!! I have learned that crying helps a lot!! I just fill like i am on my own. i know this is my fault. I NEVER ask people for help. like i said i think i am strong and to be honest very proudful. I don't like to admit when i am wrong. I used to be REALLY outgoing. i had plans to hangout with friends ALL the time. I never fill like going out. I go to my sisters every now and again.. and that is it... people invite me, but for some reason i find excuses to not show up.

Problem #4: Self confidence is getting lower.. I AM ALMOST TWENTY SHOULDN"T I BE HAPPY WITH WHO I AM!!!!!  I constantly wish that i was back to my basketball body. I look back and think "oh man i had it soo good" my clothes aren't fitting, i don't fill cute in any of my clothes. These filling make me want to eat.. and eat bad.. like the dollar menu at mcdonalds! that is my comfort food (which makes you feel like crap in the morning)

Well, with these problems i have found a hopefully pretty good solutions..! But Problem #5: i have little to none motivation. I really don't mind school, probably explains my two c minus's. I know that i need to raise my grade point average so that i can get into the education program at USU. Also, i sit and say.. read your scriptures.. but i just turn my head and go on facebook or fall asleep. I tell myself to pay tithing and i also think "well i can start next time" ( SATAN I HATE YOU... A WHOLE BUNCH))

so back to solving the issues...

Solution #1: I am going to continue writing Jeron. I fill like i could be the happiest girl in the world if i am patient. I am going to talk to guys, flirt, go on dates, have fun, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Patience is what i need to learn. I am very much if i don't benifit from it instantly then what is the point? If my friends take a long time to come pick me up... i get impatient! so Patience... Solution #1

Solution #2: get my patriarchal blessing! it is a guidline and obviously i need it!!

Solution#3: Start finding safety in my Heavenly Father and in the Scriptures. I know the peace that comes frome reading them i just need to become less lazy and just do it!!! my scriptures are right by my bedside it isn't that hard to read ten minutes a day. So be done with Laziness.. Solution #3

Solution #4 ties into Solution #3: get out and change my body. If i don't enjoy it then... CHANGE IT!! stop sitting and wishing it would go away THAT ISN"T HOW FAT WORKS!!! I am planning on getting a membership at Anytime Fitness. it is just down the street, and probably could walk there in the summertime! My new year's resolution : Go a year without fast food, and no Soda. Stress makes me eat... Working out manages stress less stress=less eating (hopefully)

Solution #5: this one is hard... i am BUSY!!! so so so so busy!! i jsut don't feel like hanging out at the end of work or school. Perhaps, i will try harder to get out. once i get my patriarchal blessing, and if i don't get a calling, i am going to single ward hop until i find one i like. ( i don't like single wards)

*** WARNING***
much of these filling are very much out of porportion because i expect aunt flo at anytime!!
Sorry to anyone i glare at, yell at, or even hit. I truely don't mean it!
thank you blog of mine for letting me vent!! i am so postive all the time that it feels good to be negative!!
i am going to go clean my room.. ITS CHRISTMAS IN THE MORN'!!!
~goodnight!