***WARNING***

I just might have a mental break down at any point!!!!!
I feel it coming!
I am going to explode!!
I have WAYYYYY too many decisions to make and life changes that it is becoming overwhelming!!!
so here i am... going to vent... on Christmas Eve!!!

Problem #1: the one and only person that can truely comfort me is a few states away and won't be back for quite some time!! Yet, at the same time i have NO IDEA if he is "the one." I love the kid, he is my best friend, but i am questioning it? is it bad, or am i just craving a cuddle? He is truely the only person i tell everything right away (my sister, it takes some build up before i blurt things out) He is my Best friend! I love him i do.. is it enought tho? writing this makes me want him more!! i want to scream! who ever said it gets easier is lying to me!!! (becca) it is getting harder!!

Problem #2: Satan is after me!!! I am pretty sure he is trying EVERYTHING to get me to be unhappy! (sometimes succeeding) Back in high school i found that i had little to none temptations. I guess this is when i need to turn to Christ. I have never had to. This is a trial i have never really experienced before. SATAN STOP PICKING ON ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! (stick my finger at him... i will swith the finger to the tongue)

Problem #3: it is crazy to have people surround you and still fill alone!! (dang you jeron for leaving) I always put a front up that i am so strong, and happy. Now, i see myself buckling!! I have learned that crying helps a lot!! I just fill like i am on my own. i know this is my fault. I NEVER ask people for help. like i said i think i am strong and to be honest very proudful. I don't like to admit when i am wrong. I used to be REALLY outgoing. i had plans to hangout with friends ALL the time. I never fill like going out. I go to my sisters every now and again.. and that is it... people invite me, but for some reason i find excuses to not show up.

Problem #4: Self confidence is getting lower.. I AM ALMOST TWENTY SHOULDN"T I BE HAPPY WITH WHO I AM!!!!!  I constantly wish that i was back to my basketball body. I look back and think "oh man i had it soo good" my clothes aren't fitting, i don't fill cute in any of my clothes. These filling make me want to eat.. and eat bad.. like the dollar menu at mcdonalds! that is my comfort food (which makes you feel like crap in the morning)

Well, with these problems i have found a hopefully pretty good solutions..! But Problem #5: i have little to none motivation. I really don't mind school, probably explains my two c minus's. I know that i need to raise my grade point average so that i can get into the education program at USU. Also, i sit and say.. read your scriptures.. but i just turn my head and go on facebook or fall asleep. I tell myself to pay tithing and i also think "well i can start next time" ( SATAN I HATE YOU... A WHOLE BUNCH))

so back to solving the issues...

Solution #1: I am going to continue writing Jeron. I fill like i could be the happiest girl in the world if i am patient. I am going to talk to guys, flirt, go on dates, have fun, and see where it takes me. Who knows? Patience is what i need to learn. I am very much if i don't benifit from it instantly then what is the point? If my friends take a long time to come pick me up... i get impatient! so Patience... Solution #1

Solution #2: get my patriarchal blessing! it is a guidline and obviously i need it!!

Solution#3: Start finding safety in my Heavenly Father and in the Scriptures. I know the peace that comes frome reading them i just need to become less lazy and just do it!!! my scriptures are right by my bedside it isn't that hard to read ten minutes a day. So be done with Laziness.. Solution #3

Solution #4 ties into Solution #3: get out and change my body. If i don't enjoy it then... CHANGE IT!! stop sitting and wishing it would go away THAT ISN"T HOW FAT WORKS!!! I am planning on getting a membership at Anytime Fitness. it is just down the street, and probably could walk there in the summertime! My new year's resolution : Go a year without fast food, and no Soda. Stress makes me eat... Working out manages stress less stress=less eating (hopefully)

Solution #5: this one is hard... i am BUSY!!! so so so so busy!! i jsut don't feel like hanging out at the end of work or school. Perhaps, i will try harder to get out. once i get my patriarchal blessing, and if i don't get a calling, i am going to single ward hop until i find one i like. ( i don't like single wards)

*** WARNING***
much of these filling are very much out of porportion because i expect aunt flo at anytime!!
Sorry to anyone i glare at, yell at, or even hit. I truely don't mean it!
thank you blog of mine for letting me vent!! i am so postive all the time that it feels good to be negative!!
i am going to go clean my room.. ITS CHRISTMAS IN THE MORN'!!!
~goodnight!

ONE!

Well, they asked for a current picture.. and it doesn't get more current then this!!! THis is me right at this second!! ha ha i look awesome!! silly/fake smile there oh well enjoy :)

So 15 random facts...
- I have two part time jobs and am a full time student!
-I have one sister and four brothers
- I hate loud eaters!
- i wish i was more organized!
-I love to paint and draw!
- I love the sport basketball!! GOOO JAZZ!!!
- I find the rivalry between the Utes and BYU annoying!
-My birthday is in April!
- My room is always a mess!! Even if i clean it.. with in hours it is messy again!
- i currently have a cold and do not like it!!
-I hope to one day be either a high school or elementry school teacher.
-i should be in bed right now!! it is late!
-I have an incredible fear of spiders and hieghts
-I love to go camping and sit by the campfire :)
-I love the summer time and getting really really tan!

ha ha well i am off to bed! goodnight!

THE CHALLENGE!!

I was reading one of my friends blog... and like me she also doesn't update as much as i do.. i am probably worst so.. thank you Kristen! i am going to accept and succeed at this challenge! So For the next 30 days i will be doing this list :)

1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself


2- the meaning behind your blog name

3- a picture of you and your friends

4- a habit that you wish you did not have

5- a picture of somewhere you've been to

6- favorite super hero and why

7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

8- short term goals for this month and why

9- something you're proud of in the past few days

10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

11- your favorite book

12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one

13- your favorite quote and why

14- a picture of you and your family

15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

16- a childhood picture

17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

18- plans/dreams/goals you have

19- nicknames you have and why you have them

20- 10 reasons you fell in love

21- a picture of something that makes you happy

22- something unique about you

23- something you crave for a lot

24- a letter to your parents

25- what I would find in your bag

26- people who have passed on that meant a lot to you

27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge

28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

29- in this past month, what have you learned

30- your favorite song

Ain't Dat Da Troof?

My manager at Famous Footwear showed me a picture that her son out on a mission sent her. It was from a church that has the billboards out in the front with words of advice or wisdom.. well this is what it said...

"Don't read the Book of Mormon and then Pray about it. Thats how they get ya!"

Ha ha i hope this brought humor to all of you as it did for me!!!



4 Months Gone!

Well it is true.. you make yourself incedibly busy time sure does fly! Where did October go? Well i hope time will fly this fast for the next 20 months!!!
Elder Jeron Cannon has been gone for four months now. It seems like i should be approaching my one year mark but this will do. Since he has been in Texas he has already had two baptisms. One of which he got to perform. His biggest struggle has been the language, and getting along with his Trainer. He told me that the one thing he wanted was a really good, obedient trainer and he didn't get that. He now has a new companion who he gets along with. He loves the children. He is constantly telling about how he played dolls with one of the little girls, or kicked around a ball with a boy. And i am not going to lie... i love that he loves the children too. He is constantly getting attacked by dogs! ha ha
He is loving it! I am so proud of his strength, and the blessing i recieve by just knowing him. He is such a good example to me! Now here are some pictures :)

Jeron's First Baptism!

Jeron's new favorite past time!

 Serious Halloween Decorations! Is that a baby coming out of it's crib?

The dog that finds Jerons leg great to mate with :)

Boarder Patrol! 

Cute Missionaries!! 

Adapting to Texan life? 

Primary Program

I was lucky enough to experience my family ward's primary program today. It was very cute. You had the kids who didn't know the words so just very noticable mouthed the word. You had the cute little sunbeams constantly waving to their parents. You also had the kids who got super shy when giving their part. Now i usually look forward to the primary program because they were much more entertaining than other sacrament meetings, but today i found it one of the most spiritual sacrament meeting i have ever sat through.
Through out the meetings the kids bore testimony of Jesus Christ. That was their focus for this year. At the very end the primary sang the first verse to Army of Helaman, then the whole congregation sang the second. I couldn't sing all the words because i became teary eyed. I tried to hide it, and during the closing prayer i gained back my composure.
I think we all can take a lesson from these little ones. They have such great faith. I don't know what scripture it is, but something to do with being like a child. We can all strive to be like them. They are some of the best examples. I love these kids, and i hardly know any of them. It was an awesome day!

let me just fill you in...

on what has happened over the last couple months.

I made a choice to come home from Snow College and attend Salt Lake Community College. I wanted to do this so that i could have a job so that i could pay for school. This job is as an Assistant Manager at Famous Footwear. It is definitely a love/hate relationship. It has it's ups and downs, but in this day i am grateful to have such a good paying job.
I also decided to move in with one of my really good friends, Rebecca Kennedy. I don't always get along with her even though i act like we are peachy. (that is just my personality, i hide my emotions) Our other friend moved in with us and her name is Lexi Davis. She is a sweetheart and a thug from Maryland. Ha. She is an inspiration to me, and gives me such good advice. It is bittersweet to say that after praying that i find myself wanting to move back home. Yes, i will miss my cute apartment and roomies. Yes, my brother will annoy me. But in all honestly i love being with my family. I find them supportive, fun and funny. The biggest bonus is that i get to save 250 dollars a month to go toward school. It just feels right.
Since being back in the Salt Lake Valley i haven't quite found my place at a singles ward. I went to one in Sandy for a bit, and just didn't quite fit in. I tried to impress the people there and just didn't like who i was, and they didn't quite except me like i had hoped. I was just that random girl who showed up with Becca and Heydon.
I started to like my singles ward in Murray, but Becca has chosen to go to the Sandy one. I am not quite able to go to church by  myself. I went to my Family ward, and LOVED IT!! I got to go to Relief Society and felt like i belonged with the 30 plus age group. This cute Sister Nelson was just cracking jokes with me and i got to be with my mom. I also got to sit next to my dad in sacrament meeting, and hear him sing. I love that too. I love my dad..(side note ha ha) I also really want to teach primary. I love children! I hope choosing to go to a family ward is what is best. I was talking to my mom about how i have never really felt accepted at a singles ward, and she said that is how she became inactive. I never want to get to that point. I am following my heart, and that is leading me to the Eastridge 8th ward!!
A big part in my life right now is Mr. Elder Jeron Cannon. I broke up with Jeron right before i left Snow. I don't regret doing that because it helped me grow. Breaking up killed me, and probably killed Jeron five times. We went on dates all through out the summer. I have never had such a fun summer. The moment that i realized that i am falling hard for this guy was when we went to Texas Roadhouse. My thought at this point was that i was just going to be a support system when Jeron leaves on his mission. I thought it was going to be easy to let him go, and that i would more than likely find someone else while he was gone. Well, standing in a crowded room waiting to be seated changed everything. I realized that he was going to be gone in a month. I seriously started to cry in the middle of Texas Roadhouse. I hugged him, and butterflies were going crazy and i knew that i was really starting to love this kid. I didn't ever want to let him go.
That last month before he left was one of the happiest times of my life! We went on dates, he brought me dinner at work and we constantly were talking (sorry to Jeron's parents for the texting phone bill) We were down to a week, and i have never cried so much!! When it was the last day i was going to see him, i just let him hold me in his arms, and we both cried! I barely could drive home because i was crying so hard. I got home, layed in bed and bawled. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I never thought i cared about him so much until that last month of being together.

Jeron is my best friend and i am having a "blast" writing him. We have a very honest relationship. (i just don't tell him about dates or cute guys i see) I told him that i am not waiting, and if i start liking someone i am not going to turn them down just because of jeron. I am going to live my life. It's just right now i could care less if i date anyone else. I feel like the person i want is in Texas. I am glad Jeron has chosen to go on a mission. He is inspiring me to be a better person. He gets upset when i have to work and can't go to church. ha ha He is growing into a man, and i love watching it. He is such a caring person and will give his leg to you if you ask him for it. I can tell him anything, and i tell him everything. He is my best friend. Keep up the hard work Jer-bear!!
I Love my family. I love my sister. She is always there for me even when sometimes we make the other upset. ( i do that to her more than she does to me) I love her and is an awesome example
I have learned alot these past months.

-i want to teach kindergarten
-Be who you want to be. it doesn't matter what others think
-follow your heart
-Heavenly Father is just a kneel away
-My family is my best friend
-Laugh,
-crying is very good therapy
-life doesn't always go where you expect it to go.

Wow that was a long post.. but had to catch up :)


adios!! have a good night!!